Face It

This is home. The house itself feels homey. Yet everything else does not. Makes sense, everything in the house is ours and part of our life before. The idea that this is just a holiday won't escape me.

I miss being able to phone one of my friends and even organize a get together. It seems that I can't do this yet. I just don't know enough people yet. I have to wait on my cousin Alex, and that's not fair to her. I wait for her call all day, wondering if she has anything interesting to do. Wait until the summer is over, and the visiting slows down. Then what will I do? I miss my friends. Even though I didn't think I would as much. I do. I miss having friends. These simple concepts never hit a person until he is faced without them. I miss him. I hate that I miss him. I wish that I could forget all about him and move on. In a sense, I have. In another, who am I trying to fool? I may be able to fool everyone else, but not myself. No more lieing to myself. I vowed to stop doing that a couple of years ago. I look forward to those nights that Alex asks me to go out and party with her. It's sad really. One night out makes me so happy. As long as I anticipated the evening, that is how quickly it goes by. And now, I wait for more to come...

Someone invited me out today, and like a fool I left it up to Alex to make the plan. I'm not saying she's not good at it. She's wonderful and always includes me. She's the reason why I am not still laying in bed crying about my rescent circumstances. But I should've offered out my number so that maybe I could make my own plan. Then again, I never would've went without Alex. She's so great with people. I am so shy and reserved at times. People must think I'm snobby or something. But really, I am so freaked out about making sure I say something, that I spend half the time evaluating what I should say...and I come off uppety. (I am sure that's not the correct spelling..but what of it..)

So I sit here trying to remember last night and if I made the right impressions to people. I think I came off fun, and a little bit of a lush. The drinks kept coming because I was nervous. Oh well, I had fun. My cousin is going through a break up that isn't going so well. They can't stop seeing each other and phoning, yet when they do...it never ends well. I feel for them and hope that it comes to an end soon for both of their sakes. The nights never end well for them and well.. that's not the way to live. But I went through it too a few years back so I can understand.

Again, things happen for a reason. There's a reason why I am here. A reason why the love of my days and nights abandoned me for his own, seperate life... Why my cousin's relationship held on as long as it has...and is now beginning to fall apart.. Because we've always been as close as sisters, twin sisters even... We're going to be here for each other. That's a comforting thought for me. And I hope a comforting thought for her as well. We're good together and we make each other think of positive things, different outlooks, better days ahead.

In the end, summing up my situation ... things have to be this way. My life wasn't meant to go in the other direction. If that boy that used to be completely in love with me, even came back ... I honestly don't think I'd take him back now at this point. It's been... nearly two weeks since the day he broke it off. Over two weeks since we'd held each other, saying goodbye for what I thought would be a few weeks... I know that us ending happened for a reason and I don't think I'm going to mess with that. It was his decision... a rash decision ... made without me completely.. But, maybe just maybe... it was the right one for the time, for what lies ahead for the both of us.

Ending us makes for bittersweet beginnings...